Headband Night only seems odd when you're posting the photo on the internet

Just in case anyone thought I was kidding about my crazy gift card making kid, here's a photo of her most recent creation for a princess dress up party:

Wait. What's that? Doesn't look odd to you? Not even the wacky Russian nesting doll key chain she randomly decided to tape to it? Fine. Here's the gift card unfolded:

That's the birthday girl's name at the top. All the other names are just kids she knows. A handy list in case the birthday girl needs to call roll sometime I guess. Here's the back of the gift card:

Hearts. How sweet. Sweet but crazy. I have no idea where she gets it. Let's see if we can figure it out. Here's a photo of her father standing on the roof talking on his cell phone:

Dude was taking down Christmas lights. Phone rings. He answers. Makes perfect sense. Nothing out of the ordinary, people. Move along. It's also possible that crazy is infectious. Because here's what Headband Night looked like at our house a couple weeks ago:

What's that? You don't have Headband Night? That's so odd. Just think of all the perfectly good headbands in need of homes. Get on it.

Maybe she needs to get out of the house more

Last weekend, I escorted the newest Kindergartner to two different birthday parties. One was at the kid’s house and appeared to mostly consist of cousins. Which is cool except everyone that's not a cousin is then left standing next to their mother waiting for the bounce house to be inflated. Thankfully one of her buddies showed up and she was able to stop pretending to be shy. The birthday kid's mother then attempted to make all the other mother's in attendance feel inadequate by whipping up six homemade pizzas. Chick is a full time pharmacist with two kids under five years old. For a second, I started wondering what kind of lazy whore I am if I can't be bothered to produce some homemade pizza too. Luckily I remembered that I don't even really care for pizza so oh well. It also helped that the pizzas had olives on them and I hate olives. I guess everyone she knows likes olives or something. I'm basing this on how baffled she was that I didn't like them. Whatever. She's a very nice person. I totally forgive her for the homemade pizza.

The second party of the day was at one of those party places with all the inflatable stuff. A bouncy race track, inflated slides, lots of tunnels. Yada yada yada. My baby being the deprived child that she is had never been anywhere like it. I'm not sure how we've managed to avoid it. Being allergic to leaving the house probably helped. But holy cow was my kid impressed. For example, there were bouncy structures set up indoors! And there was more than one! Go figure! Just in case I wasn't sure she liked it, she told me repeatedly on the ride home how much fun she had.

My favorite part of the party though was when they shooed us off to the party room for cake and presents. The newest kindergartener was slightly in awe of the entire process so she immediately followed directions and took a seat at the table. She positioned herself near the birthday girl but still within reach of the helium balloons that clearly required periodic batting. No really. At first she took a seat by the birthday girl. After reevaluating her lack of proximity to the balloons, she moved down. She's a planner that one. If my husband were here, he'd tell you she gets that from me. Since he's not I'll tell you what she gets from him. That would be the ability to identify opportunity when it knocks. At birthday parties, it's actually sugar knocking. Because our kid's are allowed to have whatever the hostess is serving. That includes juice, soda, candy and cake. I guess maybe we'd draw the line at crack cocaine. But I figure I don't have to worry about that seeing as how my kid would right past it to get to the Capri Sun. She's good for 2 per party. Man, does that kid wish they sold Capri Sun at our grocery store. It's unfortunate she has to live under our Nazi regime.

Anyway, so my baby's sucking down her 2nd Capri Sun and batting helium balloons while the birthday girl begins tearing into one present after another. I swear there had to have been like 25 of them. And I guess there are time constraints on the parties so they keep things moving by whisking the newly opened present out of the way as soon as it's opened to make way for the next present to be opened. I could barely figure out what kind of pink princess crap she got before it disappeared.

I told my husband about it later and he thought I was nuts to be surprised that they opened all the presents. He's all, That's what you do at parties. And I was all, But it was so boring and the kid didn't even have a chance to act appreciative. And my husband was all, Can I have the remote?

So then it was time for the newest Kindergartner's present. She signaled this by waving wildly and squealing. And that's when I remembered the crazy drawing she'd made for her friend. The one she'd folded up into a long rectangle and taped the hell out of before sticking it on top of the sticker book and puzzle she'd helped me wrap in cutesy pink paper. The one I'd laughingly thought the birthday kid's parents would get a kick out of when they opened it up later that night at home. My daughter calls them "gift cards". They're drawings accompanied by whatever words pop into her head. At Christmas, mine included a list of the names of all the kids in her class. I remember thinking it was very charming as I unwrapped my homemade gingerbread ornament.

My husband says I've created this monster. He specifically cited all the times I've told her to draw a picture for someone for a gift giving occasion. And at Christmas, so I wouldn't see the craft fair present she'd picked out for me, I even let her wrap her presents herself. Rather than giving her access to wrapping paper which she could then wrinkle, rip and generally destroy, I suggested she draw a picture and then wrap the present with the drawing. Most of the drawings were on notebook paper. Maybe not the most attractive, but kid's got her whole life to wrap stuff in actual wrapping paper. And I figure it's good for her to think of ways to give to other people.

Right. Except now we're at the inflated birthday place and my kid's the only one with homemade drawings taped to her present. And then the birthday kid's mother is struggling to get the tape off so she could unfold it and figure out what it was. That's when I had a fleeting moment of embarrassment. Mostly concern that the newest Kindergartner would be embarrassed. Don't worry. She wasn't. In fact, she spoke right up to explain to everyone that it was a gift card. Clearly. But I cannot tell a lie. I had a moment of embarrassment for myself, too. A little twinge of, Gee, I hope the cult doesn't find out how free spirited we are. But then the moment passed and I decided I'm okay being the oddball parent. She has her whole life to follow the crowd. And all the other mothers at the party seemed to think it was sweet and charming too. Especially once the drawing got unfurled. She'd drawn hearts and the names of everyone in her family. Including our dogs. I know. Crazy. Do not listen to my husband when he tries to tell you she gets that from me.

Things I have been busy doing in lieu of writing on my blog

1. Working. It's been hectic. Projects. Coworkers out of town leaving the rest of us to keep the boat afloat. Blah blah blah. But everyone's going to be back this week! Whee!

2. Finishing The Story of Edgar Sawtelle. So. Um. Yeah. I guess I hated it. Which is bizarre because like 4/5 of the book was just lovely. I felt like I really knew the characters and wished I could live in Wisconsin and raise dogs with them. And I'm not even a live in Wisconsin and raise dogs kind of girl. But the ending was six million kids of annoying. Pretend you've been watching a six hour build up to a Lord of the Rings-esque epic battle of good and evil and then someone tosses a giant atomic bomb right in the middle of the battlefield so then the battle’s over except everyone that's waiting to see who wins is just standing around looking at the carnage going, Huh? What just happened? And then it's over and you don't know where anyone's going to go from there and you're all, I just wasted 4 days of my life on this crap. What the hell. In summary, good, good, good, good, what the hell.

3. Signing up for Netflix. I know. You've been a member for a million years and you can't believe I'm such a loser. But, dude, I held out until 2008 on the Ipod. Of course I hadn't signed up for Netflix yet. Love it. Currently watching the first season of Entourage. Hello. Can't believe I ever thought keeping track of the return envelope would be too much work for me. Also watched Stepbrothers. We laughed out loud a lot but it was really juvenile. Although, is it just me or does "juvenile" sort of go without saying. And 27 Dresses. Very "eh." Although I see why everyone likes Katherine Heigl. She's charming. But the movie was "eh."

4. Going to lunch with my husband. He unexpectedly popped by my work and offered to buy me a sandwich. When I got back, one of my employees wanted me to rate it. I explained that the taking you to lunch maneuver is all about the gesture not the sandwich Dude had me at hello when he pulled up to the curb.

5. Having a parent teacher conference with the newest Kindergartner's teacher. Told you I would. The teacher was really nice and managed to work into the conversation several times how smart my baby is. I'm sure the cult requires them to say that to all the parents but I'm an easy sell so I bought into it. We also went over lesson plans for the month so we'd know what to work on with her and I attempted to pretend I'm not overly neurotic about school related stuff. She may or may not have bought my act.

6. Buying new Ikea Malm dressers for our bedroom. Five of them. Two small ones for nightstands and 3 medium sized ones to line up in a row as one big wall unit looking thing like they show in the Ikea catalogs I often wish I could live in. Not as much as I wish I could live in a Pottery Barn catalog but still. After assembling five Malm dressers over the course of two days, my husband and I are ready to start doing some freelance work assembling other people's Ikea crap for them. At one point we were timing ourselves to see how quickly we could get one together. For the record, 36 minutes. That included a bathroom break, a lost screw, someone getting hit in the head with a drawer and flinging crackers at our children so they'd stop complaining about how we never feed them.

7. Cleaning up after our new puppy. After a brief honeymoon period in which Bruno lulled us into a false sense of security by not chewing on anything we value, he's begun wreaking havoc. Two days in a row we came home to find that he had dismantled the trash can and shredded the contents all over the house. I particularly enjoyed the day he did that when the Verizon guy was following us into the house to fix our internet service and we all got to find the destruction together. Like shredded crap everywhere isn't embarrassing enough we discovered the bedroom reeked thanks to a certain floppy eared someone using my closet as their toilet. The Verizon guy's at the computer and we're three feet from him lighting candles and crawling around on our hands and knees picking stuff up. Including my chewed up reading glasses which Bruno apparently took off my nightstand because he mistook them for a side of beef. Puppies are so fun!

My Year in Review

Questions stolen fair and square from All & Sundry. She does them every year. I thought about doing them last year but didn't. Now I wish I had. So I decided not to make the same mistake:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Left my children for three days. Flooded my car just like the idiots you see on the news.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My new year's resolutions last year were to rid the house of anything that isn't useful or beautiful, prep the house to be sold or rented, spend less time contemplating stabbing my eyes out, shrink, find a better bath pillow and exercise. Right. So let's see. I decluttered the hell out of my house. Not just the beanie babies either. All kinds of crap we never used. For example, I parted with most of the crystal wedding presents I've been hanging onto out of expensive gift guilt. I'm just not a crystal candle stick kind of girl. In fact, I'm not even a candle stick kind of girl. I'm still trying to rid the house of the fugly but useful stuff. For example we still sit on fugly mistmatched dining room chairs and my kitchen still contains a brown sink. But we're making progress. We are not, however, making much progress prepping the house to sell or rent other than the master bath. I like to blame that on my husband's frequent travel this year but my own personal laziness could very well have played a role. Who knows. Limiting eye stabbing thoughts was pretty ambitious. For example, if I'd known how much my husband was going to travel this year I'm sure I would have changed that resolution to "Spend less time feeling guilty for wanting to stab my eyes out sometimes." Because, really, sometimes life is frustrating. And my butt did not shrink. In fact, I feel confident I assisted it in expanding. On the bright side, I did successfully locate a good bath pillow. $10 at Target. Not inflated so it actually gives like a pillow. I utilize it behind the head and team it with a tried and true sea shell shaped inflated one for lower back support. Holla. No really. Holla. And by the way, I feel like a bath pillow expert having gone through so many at this point. For example, from me to you, the kind with the terry cloth cover over an inflated thing are overrated. You'll be expected to remove that cover after every use in order for it to dry without becoming utterly funkadelic. Seriously, I take a bath to relax not to create more work for myself. Low maintenance should go without saying on a bath pillow. And I'm still mulling over New Year's resolutions for this year. They're so inspiring to make but so disheartening to read the next year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
Right. So instead of making a sarcastic joke I think I'll tell you about that one time seven years ago when I paid good money to get a passport and then never used it. To this day. I know. I'm like the polar opposite of worldly.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Free time. A babysitter. Fruit Loops with marshmallows.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
First day of Kindergarten. August 25th. Inside my head it was monumental.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I don't write too much about work stuff here. Not specific stuff anyway. But I have to say, in the last year I've come on like gangbusters at work. When I first got promoted last year I viewed it as temporary. I only envisioned short term goals because that's how I thought of my role. But I think I've finally adapted my thinking in the last few months. I feel like I own my role and assert my vision over my area of responsibility. Whereas in the past I used to check with colleagues before making changes, now I just make the changes and give instructions. In the last month especially. Pretending I'm a top dog in California must have gone to my head or something.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not walking more.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I've had a sinus infection for the last week. Inside my head, it's been crippling but in truth our household has been fairly healthy this year.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
The king size duvet for our queen sized bed was a very nice call on my part. So was my new Blackberry. But I have to hand it to my husband for the 52 inch flat screen television he decided we couldn't live without. I was initially aghast at how monstrously huge it was and told him regularly that I thought it was too big. Several months later, I'm embarrassingly spoiled. While flipping channels on the 20 inch television in my hotel room during my trip to California, it actually crossed my mind that the least they could have done was put the TV closer to the bed if it's going to be that small. I know. Someone should punch me in the face just for thinking that.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The newest Kindergartener. Loves school. Regularly complimented by her teacher for working hard, listening and being the first to help with everything.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Probably my own. But for no particular reason. I'm just harder on myself than anyone else. Makes it really easy to beat yourself up for little things that fall through the cracks. And plenty of stuff falls through my cracks. For example, I can't remember the last thank you note I wrote. I'd like to know what kind of lazy hag doesn't write a thank you note when someone takes the time to give you something? And I'm extra neurotic about my kids. For example, the newest Kindergartener got all As and one B+ on her first report card. But then several weeks later she got a C+ on one stupid phonics worksheet and I'm reevaluating my life and the choices I make. I even subjected my husband to a conversation about how we need to set up a parent teacher conference to discuss what we need to be doing differently. I'm pretty sure he wanted to suggest I chill but he managed to act sympathetic and did a lot of nodding and murmuring of "we'll work on it." I'm amazed he didn't point out the fact that this is the same kid that got placed in the class' top reading group literally the week before and it's one dumb worksheet. But maybe he's just hoping I'll forget about it over Christmas break. I know. It's like he just met me or something. As if.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage and keeping everyone fed.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Our trip to San Antonio was really fun. Loading the car and hitting the road had me clapping in delight. Have I mentioned I'm a clapper? Because I am. I do it without thinking. Including at work. People think it's youthful and funny.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
"There is No One Like You" from a mix CD made by the principal of my daughter's school of all people. He gave it to her because she likes the music they play in chapel. I can take or leave the rest of the CD but I catch myself randomly humming track 6 a lot. I may or may not listen to it when I'm by myself in the car too.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter
c) richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Take the day off

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Telling the kids to go play.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
In my pajamas. Sick and slightly medicated. Dogs and kids underfoot.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
No.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office, Survivor and Project Runway. In that order.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No. It's easy to annoy me but difficult to make me hate you.

24. What was the best book you read?
The Glass Castle. I'd forgotten I read that this year. Loved it.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Ipod. The fact that I only bought an Ipod in 2008 should say something about how up I am on music today. Oh well.

26. What did you want and get?
My son potty trained. Boo-yeah

27. What did you want and not get?
A new house. Complete and utter adoration at work. A better bra. Date night. A winning lottery ticket.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Sex and the City. When you're the kind of girl that goes to the movies once a year, you're easy to impress. I liked it. So sue me. Driving home I already missed the girls. I also saw No Country For Old Men this year. It's a much better film and genuinely impressive. But, to be honest, I've never once felt a pang in my heart missing any of those characters.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Took the day off, read a good book and had lunch with my mom. 34.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
My husband traveling less. I feel bad even mentioning it because he hasn't been traveling lately and I figure I should just shut up, be happy and knock on wood.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Comfortable

32. What kept you sane?
Hot baths. I love that the door to the bathroom locks.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I still like the guy from Burn Notice but Brad Pitt's always nice. And the guy in Twilight is growing on me.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
The economy. I feel fortunate to have job security but I fret about everyone that doesn't. I'm also the sort of dope that feels sad about the price of bread and kids that don't have health insurance.

35. Who did you miss?
I missed my husband a lot when he was traveling. And old friends.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
I guess the new girl at work. She's nice and seems like she could use a friend. I know what that's like.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
Taking your kids places is fun. Cuddling in bed with them is better. When they leave home and forget to call me, it'll be the cuddling I miss not the trips to Chuck E. Cheese.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Because nothing I have is truly mine." Dido