I'm allergic to crowds

I went to Wal-Mart this morning to get black socks. The black socks weren't a Christmas present for anyone. I just needed them to wear with slacks. I went at 8 am thinking I'd beat the crowd. I also figured, and this is the really dumb part, no one would be shopping at Wal-Mart on Black Friday. Because it's Wal-Mart. What do they have on Black Friday that's so special you can't get it any other day of the week when there's no crowd?

I probably think this because we live 3 minutes from a Wal-Mart. I also probably think this because unless there's milk involved in my purchase I'd rather buy it online than fight a crowd. I didn't even get out of my car when I discovered the magnitude of my mistake. I also didn't learn my lesson. Because then I cruised right over to Old Navy and did the exact same thing. And then I wised up and went home to shop online during nap time. Online shopping rules.

I'm still an evil hag

Don't even try to be as awesome as me. Seriously. Right here. Big time awesome. I finally got that other mother on the phone to set up a playdate. The playdate she's been calling and leaving me notes to try to set up for a mere six weeks now. I know. I rule.

In my mind, I swear I thought it had three or four weeks. Which is still pretty sad. But at least it's not evil hag rude. Only, she dated the first note she left me. It's really hard to rewrite history in my head when May 24th is written right next to her cell phone number. Kudos to her for dating that thing, incidentally. Nice touch.

As if I didn't feel like enough of a loser, she's about the sweetest person ever when we get on the phone. Can't wait to get together, asks how my mother is and shares a sweet story about getting emotional switching her daughter to a new daycare. By the end of the conversation I was ready to volunteer to be her new best friend and invite her whole family to move into my house and stay forever. Or something like that. Again, so sweet. What kind of evil hag takes six weeks to call her?

Look no further. She's right here. I rule.

Stop conspiring against me

It’s been raining here in my area for just slightly longer than forever. One day last week it rained so hard I actually got concerned about our swimming pool potentially overflowing. I mentioned this to my brother and he asked what my plan was if it overflowed. I said I didn’t have one. I mean, I contemplated for like two minutes possibly attempting to scoop some water out and relocate it. But that seemed like a lot of work and, frankly, I couldn’t figure out anywhere to take the water anyway. I abandoned the train of thought and decided to just hope for the best. So then my brother says something about draining some water into the street by using a hose and reversing the pump. Right off the top of his head he came up with that. Dude doesn’t own a pool. Just, poof, better ideas than me.

Whatever. Who asked him anyway? Nobody needs his freaky smart ideas here. It’s like a conspiracy to prove I’m mechanically the stupidest female ever. Whatever. Who proofread your papers in college, MacGyver? Right here. There’s a reason. Suck it.

And seriously, enough with the rain.

Please don't ask me to explain voltage

Our dishwasher waited until my husband was out of town to stop working. I verified this by slamming it shut repeatedly and mashing all the buttons. It still didn't work. Nice. My husband handles the repairs around here. It doesn't make me a bad feminist to admit that. I'm just not mechanically inclined. I once revealed this to my husband in a shockingly idiotic discussion about voltage by asking if maybe you could just charge something twice to get more voltage. I know. He thought that was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard, too. Again, not mechanically inclined. I'm okay with it.

I've been putting off calling a repairman for two days now. First, because it was a holiday weekend. Second, because I sound like a moron every time I have to deal with a repairman. The previously cited voltage stupidity being a fine example of what I'm capable of. Despite putting off the call, I'm actually praying the thing can be fixed. The only thing more pathetic than me talking to a repairman is me picking out a new dishwasher by myself. I'm guessing "cute" isn't an important selection consideration.