Just when I think I'm out they pull me back in

I wish I could pretend I didn't watch the Jon & Kate Plus 8 season premiere. Sadly, my incurable fascination and general affection for them and their kids sucked me right in.

I used to love the show. Seriously loved. I even let my two small kids watch it with me. Good clean entertainment for them. And watching them weather the chaos of their house always made me think my life was more doable.

I didn't give up watching the show because I didn't like them anymore. I just got tired of watching the extended infomercial for all the free crap they were getting. You know, Here's the awesome 5 star hotel we stayed at in San Diego that's located on such and such street and you can make reservations with them by calling this number and, gee, it was just so nice of them to invite us. And oh, yeah, thanks for the free tickets tickets to Legoland and the backstage tour at the zoo and the box seats to the baseball game and the remote controlled cars and the Fischer Price playhouses and the teeth bleaching and the hair transplants and the giant wads of cash everyone shoves in our wallet every time we breathe.

I didn't begrudge them any of the free stuff. It just didn't interest me to watch. The kids and the interaction and the daily grind of parenting without your head exploding is what I liked. But I guess I still cared about them. Because I felt like I'd been in their living room and knew them. I'm also so deluded I thought they were a happy family. So anyway, I guess I watched the season premier hoping they'd give us some hope that despite difficult times they're going to work through their problems and get through this. Because they're a family and they're in this together like stupid intro used to say. Wrong.

Instead we got to listen to Kate repeatedly complain about the paparazzi. Jon's come right out and said he doesn't really want to do the show anymore. It feels like he's sort of in it against his will at this point so I guess I'm willing to let him complain a little bit about them stalking him. But I'm not interested in listening to Kate complain even for a second. She never complains about the freebies, the opportunities to write books or the money. The price tag that comes with those things is the media attention. I just don't feel sorry for her. I do however feel sorry for the kids. Because their mother worries about them mentioning the paparazzi at school because that would be weird. And yet, it's not weird that their trip to Party City was videotaped and everyone was clearly dressed up to make a big event out of it. I can't figure out why one is more weird than the other.

I felt very, very sad at the end of the show. Sad for a variety of reasons.

First, I thought it was clear Kate's the one that's still interested in doing the show. She was the one discussing possible divorce and she's the one crying and discussing the nature of their problems. Jon mostly just apologized and discussed the birthday party.

Second, I hope they aren't trying to ease us into the post divorce version of the show. No way the show keeps going after a divorce. Kate is not nearly as interesting as she thinks she is. Her laugh has become an annoying cackle and I'm starting to question her parenting decisions. I like Jon. I've always liked Jon. He seems nice and normal. In the past when Kate would say stupid things like let's take the kids to a bakery to make cupcakes but not let them eat the cupcakes because they'd get dirty, Jon was the voice of reason saying that makes no sense.

Third, as I've mentioned, I believe Aunt Jodi. Believing Aunt Jodi means I don't view Kate as the one that's been done wrong. Yeah, she's been publicly humiliated. But if you were arrogant enough to think you could continue the show pretending to still be a happy family, I don't feel bad that you got caught. Maybe you should just be honest. But even if I didn't believe Aunt Jodi, I think I'd still sort of stick up for Jon. Mostly because Kate appears intent on doing what she wants regardless of what he wants. He seems so trapped. And he's trapped at home all day with 8 kids no less. I don't care that Kate felt the need to tell us he has help with kids. When one parent travels, it puts a heavy burden on the other parent. Even with help. Even if the nanny's great. I feel for Jon. I also feel for him because I think your wife shouldn't belittle you. Especially not on television. Even after I stopped watching the show several months ago, I'd still see periodic clips of the show on The Soup where Jon became a running joke for having a wenchy wife that liked to point out all his grammatical errors. That makes me sad. The world is full of plenty of people to tear you down. Your spouse shouldn't be one of them.

Fourth, if her frequent travel is causing stress in her marriage, I don't understand why she doesn't just choose to stay home more. I'm not saying she has to give up her job. I'm just saying it's a choice she's making and she should own it instead of acting like she has to travel. They are not financially strapped for cash. They could afford to let her scale back.

Fifth, Alexis is my favorite one of the kids. No, Aaden. Wait, maybe Joel. No, definitely Alexis.

Sixth, I'm starting to think I need to stop having a favorite kid because maybe if everyone stopped having a favorite kid they'd stop watching the show and if everyone stopped watching the show they'd cancel it and maybe them canceling the show would be the right thing to do for everyone including my favorite kids.

Nobody tell her mother I let them share a water bottle

I joined the newest Kindergartener and her class on a field trip to the zoo this week. I'll confess my memories of field trips are vague at best but I don't recall there being quite so many parents along for the ride. I think this is the sort of problem teachers must love to have but it seemed a little odd that only 3 kids out of 17 didn't have at least one parent present. I say "at least one" because 2 kids actually had both parents there. Another kid had a parent and an aunt there.

And of the kids with parents there, six of them didn't even ride in the van with the class either. They rode to the zoo with their parents instead. The teacher asked me if the newest Kindergartner would be riding in the van and I was all, Duh. If she doesn't ride in the van, she doesn't have a van color to talk about later over dinner. Make way for my kid on the van, people.

Once at the zoo, everyone pretty much headed off in different directions. I guess in my head I thought we were going to traipse around in one big mob. That's the sort of stupid simplistic crap I often conjure up in my pea brain. In reality, there were some small clusters of parents and kids but it was tough to stay together when five year olds have such a wide range of attention spans that vary even more depending on the animal they're looking at.

On top of that, I was assigned one of the parentless kids and I quickly gave up attempting to stay with anyone else opting instead to focus on not losing someone else's baby.

I considered it a successful day when I delivered the parentless kid back to the school van in one piece. I'm hoping she tells her mother about all the educational discussions we had about the different animals and how I always made sure she washed her hands after we touched the animals. On the other hand, I'm hoping she doesn't tell her mother about how I offered to take her to the hospital for stitches everytime she showed me the invisible scrape on her knee she periodically claimed impaired her ability to walk when she was tired of walking. It'd also be sort of awesome if she skipped the part about how I let her and the newest Kindergartener share the same water bottle. I know. The germs! The horror! But it was hot and the kid was thirsty and bottles of water cost $4. But again, it'd be awesome if she could just leave that out of her play by play retelling of her day.

I did not, however, leave it out of the play by play I subjected my husband that night. The one that included my thoughtful analysis about the importance of the van ride. It may or may not have gone along the lines of, "If people are going to drive their own cars and tour the zoo separately, I start to think maybe we should all just take our kids to the zoo on Saturday." Seriously, why would you want to skip the van ride? Although, from me to you, try to get a seat in the back of the van. Getting stuck sitting directly behind your kid's teacher limits your ability to talk about her. Not that I'd have anything I'd want to talk about like say an annoying Indian headband project she didn't think we got right the first time and suggested we do again. I'm just saying the back of the van would be a better place to sit if you did.

Signs that I am stupid

1. I was actually kind of surprised by the whole Jon & Kate Plus 8 photos with another woman/potential divorce crap. Although I'd given up watching the show several months ago after deciding all the freebie talk was too much for me, my jaw still sort of fell open when I saw the photos of Jon and some chick. Then, the People magazine cover story about Kate amazed me too. But it wasn't until I watched the interview with Uncle Kevin and Aunt Jodi that I decided it was all true. You know, sweet and kind Aunt Jodi that went to Oprah with them and lived around the corner and watched all the little kids on Friday mornings just to give Kate a break. She also once gave the little kids gum which Kate and Jon seemed to consider the stupidest decision ever made except I'm pretty sure I'd have let them have the gum too so whatever. I'm also the sort of person that would never take 8 kids to the Crayola factory and not let them use the markers so what do I know. Anyway, I totally believe Aunt Jodi. I do. And then it all made me sad. They just renewed their wedding vows! What the hell.

2. I googled "Jon & Kate Plus 8 dad girlfriend photos."

3. I don't plan to watch I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here but I cannot tell a lie. I may have to tune in occasionally if Spencer has to lay in a box of rats or something.

4. I just do not enjoy Adam Lambert as much as other people appear to. I'm not saying he's not talented. I'm just saying I'm not into him. Maybe it's the eye liner. Maybe it's that he comes across more Broadway than rock star. But I like Danny better.

5. I was sort of bummed Coach didn't win immunity on Survivor. I find him just as annoying and self absorbed as the next person but he's also oddly fascinating in that he doesn't seem to register how other people see him. And, come on, how funny would it have been to force the other people to live with him longer?

6. I've been watching Daisy of Love. I know. Enough said.

Books the Imaginary Book Club has read but failed to post about: Part 2

1. A Three Dog Life: Quiet thumbs up. But not an easy book to read. The husband has a traumatic brain injury. He doesn't die but he's never the same. And by "never the same" I mean he can't live at home or take care of himself. But his wife finds a way to still have a life with him. Made me wonder if I'd be able to do that. I'd like to think I would. I'd like to think my husband would. But, geez, is it hard to think about.

2. Mad Dash: Eh. I tried it because it was written by Patricia Gaffney. During my historical romance reading years, I read a book by her I liked so much I still remember it to this day. Cute and funny but romantic. I didn't like any of her other romance novels though. But for the record, that one's good.

3. The Pact: I didn't like the reasoning for the pact. I also suspected the reasoning early on. But it was still well written. Also a quick read.

4. The Honk and Holler Opening Soon: Slight thumbs up. Sweet but not great. I think it's charming when people can create a family for themselves out of otherwise strangers. But why do all the characters in Billie Letts' books have to have such funky names? Isn't anyone in Oklahoma named Joe or John?

5. Change of Heart: A guy on death row that wants to donate his heart to a little girl after he gets the death penalty. Thumbs up. Interesting characters and it kept me reading to find out what was going to happen next.

6. Mommy Tracked: Hated it. No really. Boring, predictable, and cliche characters.

7. While I Was Gone: Thumbs up. Such a well written portrait of a marriage. I felt like I'd sat at their kitchen table and watched them finish each other's sentences. The whole thing about her friends from her past didn't particularly interest me but the ending did.

8. Dry: About the author getting sober. It's not for everyone. For example, my husband would hate it. So would my mother. But I liked it. I'm not really sure why. I think I just like him and wish we could be friends.

9. Harvesting the Heart: My thumbs are neither up nor down on it. Either I'm burning out on Jodi Picoult or this was just an "Eh" book. It's about a woman that leaves her 3 month old baby to essentially soul search. That seems like an interesting plot but, eh. I didn't really sympathize with her because she just seemed to lack any self awareness. But I didn't really sympathize with the husband either because he just seemed so self absorbed. Eh.

10. The Perks of Being a Wallflower: Liked it. It's offbeat. The entire book is a series of letters written by a freshman in high school and you don't even know who he's writing to. But it really rings true like it was written by a teenager. Made me remember stupid things I used to write in my diary back in high school. You know. Like stupid drawn out crap about so and so talking to so and so and what my paranoid pea brain read into what they may or may not have said. Many was the diary entry I wrote analyzing someone walking by and innocently saying "Hello." I also enjoyed when the girls he knows all gave each other earrings for Christmas. I remember the careful selection process that went into selecting the right crappy fake gold earrings for each of my friends. The better the friend the better the earrings. "Better" mostly meaning it would take them longer to chip and turn green.


Other installments of the Imaginary Book Club:
Books the Imaginary Book Club has read but failed to post about Part 1
All the rest

The club awaits his return

My husband has been out of town for a week and a half. I have grown increasingly tired ever since. I could blame myself for not going to bed earlier, letting little things ride my nerves and failing to medicate myself heavily enough to sleep through some of the nighttime activities. But really, as if. My children and the three annoying dogs that dwell in my house are clearly to blame.

Highlights from the last week and a half include being held hostage by my children who now require the hall light on and every bedroom door open in order to even close their eyelids. And the night the dogs woke me every hour on the hour was pretty awesome, too.

My husband made the mistake of asking me repeatedly every day to recite for him the contents of our incoming mail. He couldn't seem to fathom a grown woman tossing mail on the counter and forgetting about it for days on end. I can't seem to fathom why I have to explain the frenzy that ensues from 5-7 pm in our house everyday. He lives here. He's familiar with the horrors that can take place.

Needy kids. Frantic dogs. Starving beasts of all shapes and sizes. Crap the dogs have shredded that needs to be cleaned up. People running out of clean underwear. Notes from teachers to read. Backpacks to pack. Lost shoes. Lost blankies. Lost patience. Death would have been preferable to the night we ran out of toothpaste and no one noticed until bed time. I realize strawberry flavored toothpaste is significantly tastier than plain old Colgate but despondent weeping on floor still seemed like a bit much.

Evenings are challenging with two parents on the job. One parent and you're mostly just hoping to get through it without anyone writing on your 400 thread count pillow cases with a black marker. Which, by the way, I'm a complete failure at. I like to tell myself the marker will come out in the laundry because it was dry erase not permanent marker. I also like to remind myself that it wasn't a top tier pillow case in the hierarchy that is my linen closet. That hierarchy begins at the top with pillow cases that make my day better and no one else is allowed to use, pillow cases I'm willing to sleep on, pillow cases for the lesser used pillows on our bed and finally pillow cases that are tolerable backups in the event someone throws up on every other pillow case we own. My husband's pillows typically get second tier pillow cases. Don't bother feeling sorry for him. Dude could not identify the different tiers if his life depended on it. And he was sleeping on 180 thread count sandpaper when I met him.

Anyhoo. Besides expecting daily incoming mail recitations, my husband has also succumbed to the Swine Flu paranoia. This included trying to convince me to not leave the house at one point and several symptoms he felt coming on. I have trouble taking him seriously though. Not because I don't take Swine Flu seriously but because my husband once told me his head was itchy despite the fact that he was four states away and nowhere near our lice ridden kids.

I guess he doesn't realize that when he goes out of town for more than three days sitting at my desk at work is practically like being on vacation. For example, I can't recall the last time someone in my office cried for 20 minutes over three drops of water on their shirt. The same cannot be said about my dining room tonight. Me thinks a certain five year old can't wait for her Daddy to come home. Join the club, kid.

Allow me to "clarify"

Normally, when I've failed to blog for weeks on end it is an email or phone call from my BFF juliebear that reminds me that inquiring minds want to know if I'm still breathing. Imagine my surprise this time when it was an email from a blog reader. And one I don't even know in real life. That's like nice squared.

Carosgram just wanted to let me know she was thinking of me and hoping everything was okay. She also mentioned that she missed reading my writing and that's what made me decide to have her likeness tattooed on my puny left bicep to show to people who think blogging is an odd hobby. And she doesn't even have a link I can share. No blog of her own to send you to. She's just anonymously sweet. Which makes her email just that much nicer. It also means that the tattoo likeness will be insufficient thanks and that I'm going to need to cosign to refinance her mortgage or something. It also kinda sorta makes me want to be a better blogger. Which is all kinds of movie of the week but whatever. It was really nice of her to think of me. And who hasn't had a blog they read sit dormant for weeks and you start wonder what's the haps. I know I have. So, yeah, for people that take the time to email instead of lazy chickens like me that just wonder!

I'd like to report that I've been busy doing exciting things while I was neglecting my blog and it's thoughtful readers. Except then I'd have to lie and make some crap up because truth be told it's mostly been work and laundry. Because the downside of your employer sending you to two weeks of training is that your employer typically doesn't find someone to do your job while you're gone. They just let your work stack up until you get back instead. Super!

The control freak inside my head thinks that's okay because then it won't get done wrong but the realist in my soul thinks at least it would be done instead of people emailing me repeatedly asking me when it will be done and why it's not done already and then maybe copying in everyone under the sun asking what the hold up is while pretending they didn't talk to you the day before and had the entire situation explained to them in detail. Not that I've experienced that or anything. Definitely not. But I'm sure it's very annoying. And I'm sure it would require a phone call to that person to give them the what for and put them in their place. You know to "clarify" things.

"Clarify" is business code for "what the hell are you talking about?" Because "I haven't heard from her in 10 days" makes me wonder who the hell I spoke to on the phone twice this week. And copying in my chain of command to try to make me look bad makes me think you've mistaken me for a doormat and that I better "clarify" with you who you are dealing with. It also makes me think everyone's chain of command needs to be copied in when I put you on friendly, professional blast in my reply. Not that I'm the sort to put someone on friendly, professional blast. I'm just saying, if I was going to put someone on blast in email, it would definitely be friendly and professional. Ah, the joy of passive aggressive office politics! For my next office lingo lesson I will be explaining the many uses for the word "prioritize" and how every single one of them will make you want to stab someone in the face. Good times!

I almost took it in the bathroom with me

I'm back. Back from two weeks of training my employer insisted I needed. I'd like to pretend the training was awful and rant about what a waste of time it was but overall it was pretty good and I guess it's sort of nice to be valued enough by your employer that they'd invest in training you. I know. That's so party line it makes me want to gag. But whatever. On to more important things, like why the hell that training facility/psuedo-hotel didn't have bathtubs. The place was clearly designed by a man. Seriously. There's just no way a woman would think that was a good idea.

On top of the ban on bathtubs, the rooms were the size of dorm rooms. No really. The dresser drawers hit the bed if you pulled them out all the way. And there literally wasn't enough floor space to lay my suitcase open on. I had to wrestle all 63 pounds of it up on the bed to unpack.

And just in case you didn't immediately catch the dorm vibe in your room, they went ahead and put little gathering lounge type areas outside the rooms too. You know, the same area your RA had the whole third floor gather during freshman year to remind everyone to clean the hair out of the drain after you shower and stop throwing people's clean laundry on the floor when you can't find an empty dryer in the laundry room.

Supposedly the dorm vibe was intended to get trainees to not spend all their time in their room. Some crap about the importance of networking with fellow trainees. Right. Whatever.

On the bright side, what my accommodations lacked in bathtubs it more than made up for in silence. For example, there's a definite shortage of screaming children in that place. And no whining dogs scratching at the door at 3 am. The horror. The horror of a good night's rest. Boo-yeah.

Back at the homestead with small children shadowing my every move, I miss the silence a little. But only a teeny tiny little bit. Because silence doesn't have kissable chubby cheeks or tell goofy knock knock jokes. It also doesn't wander into the kitchen while you're making dinner to hug your leg and tell you it loves you.

To celebrate my return, I did five loads of laundry, waded out of a 300 hundred email backlog at work and bought a laptop. Go, me! DVR, Ipod, Blackberry, Netflix, Twitter and now a laptop. I feel so my modern! I can't believe it never occurred to me that the only thing better than surfing the net is surfing the net from bed while watching DVR'd crappy reality shows. Holla!

Earlier, I had to use the bathroom and, I cannot tell a lie, it crossed my mind for two seconds that maybe I should just carry the laptop in there with me. I know. And people think Blackberry's are addictive. Try having the world at your fingertips from the comfort of your pillow top bed! The possibilities are endless. And by possibilities I think we all know I mean my ability to flush hours of my life down the toilet. Life is good!