January 2019: Self Care Summary

I think there are a lot of ways to take care of yourself.  Especially if you haven't been doing a particularly good job of it.   So I'm sure some of my #selfcare2019 goals probably seem pretty basic.    So basic I feel a little ridiculous admitting them.    I made my peace with ridiculous.   Life had me feeling defeated.   Rebuilding is a process and you rebuild brick by brick.

Goal 1 for January:   Make doctor and dental appointments

Grown ups make long overdue medical and dental appointments for them and their family members.  I'd drug my feet on some.  Others I just never seemed to get around to.   Everyone in my house was overdue for everything.

 I started scheduling one appointment a week to squeeze them in without having to use vacation days at work.   And then I went to them even when my work schedule made it more complicated.   Every appointment I've gone to has led to extra appointment.   I took 2 kids to the dentist and ended up with a follow up appointment and an orthodontist referral.  I went to the gynecologist and got a referral that led to 5 more appointments.    Even my dentist appointment got me 2 follow up appointments.   At the rate I'm going, it will be July before I'm done.  

While at the dentist, the topic of the wall of tartar behind my lower teeth led to a discussion about sonic toothbrushes.   I'm apparently the only loser left in America using a manual toothbrush.  Then we discussed that I might need to start coming to the dentist every  4 months instead of every 6 months to fight the wall o' tartar.   And then I started paying attention.   I'd like to say I had a life epiphany about the importance of listening to trained dental professionals when they give you advice.   But let's be real.

The magical multiplying appointments have me booked up through July.   It was the every 4 months comment that scared me straight.  Straight on Amazon to Prime myself a sonic toothbrush.   

First sonic toothbrush at 44.   I felt like such a mature grown adult.

And then I started using it.   It's sounds like I'm running a chain saw and I thought I was going to vomit when I tried brushing my tongue with it.   But I'll be darned if my teeth don't feel cleaner.   Go figure.   

Two weeks of sonic toothbrush use.  I keep boring people with sonic toothbrush stories and asking if my teeth look whiter.  

Goal 2 for January:  Read a Book.
I'm kind of embarrassed that actually needed to be a goal.   I've always read a lot.   I've always had books on my nightstand.   I've always liked laying in bed reading before going to sleep.   

But part of what I like about reading is the peace and quiet of it.  And peace and quiet was hard.   Because peace and quiet lets you think.   And thinking can be hard.   Sometimes the days are easier to get through when you don't give yourself quiet time to think.   Watching Real Housewives and surfing the net felt easier, maybe even less scary.   It kept the wolves at bay in the dark.   

Little Fires Everywhere was the best of the 3.  Really well written and so good I didn't want to put it down the last 100 pages.

I read literally two books the year after my mother died.  Both of them were about grief.   I read three books  the second year.   None were about grief.   It felt like progress.   But as time went on and I finally began to think about rebuilding, I realized it was going to have to include finding my way back to something that's so inherently part of who I am.   The time felt right so I bought a couple books and committed to reading for a few minutes every night before bed.   I tried the same thing last January.   I got through 2 books by May.   I decided the time wasn't right.   This time it was.   Some days I'm so tired it's only 5 minutes.  Some days the book gets good and it's 45.   I read 3 books in January.   And I started looking forward to that time.  I like to think it's helping me fall asleep faster.  But I know it's helping me feel like myself again.   

Goal 3 for January:  Start Couch to 5K

I'd been wearing my Fitbit for 7 months.   My goal was 10,000 steps a day.   I have a desk job and that helped me find ways to get steps in during the day and be intentional about it.   I started using my breaks at work to get some steps.   Then I started trying to take the stairs more.   When that felt like a habit,  I tried a couple StepBets to help me stick with it and keep me on my toes.     

I'm the idiot taking the stairs now.   Up when it's only 1 or 2 floors.   But mostly down.    But that's saying something when I have 12 floors to go down at the end of the day.   We'll know I've officially gone off the deep end when I start trying to take the stairs up 12 floors in the morning.   

The more steps you take the more steps you have to take to meet the StepBet goals so I started trying to think of something new to try to keep pushing me.   Exercise is good for me.   Making time in my day to get some exercise is good for me.   Good for my body.   But more importantly, good for my mind.

Reminding myself that I've done it before actually didn't help.  In fact, that was more of a downer than anything.   I once ran a marathon.   Seeing how far away that is in my rear view mirror is tough.    Marathon to lazy and fluffy is humbling.   Knowing how long and hard the road is to get back there is overwhelming.  I had to forgive myself for the mistakes I thought I'd made and put it behind me.   It's not about trying to be back where I was.  It's only about moving forward and doing better than yesterday and feeling better than yesterday.  

Tragically slow.   Sigh.   

When I watched the new season of "Orange is the New Black" last year, I liked not skipping the intro so I could hear the theme song.   "Think of all the roads.  Think of all their crossings.   Taking steps is easy.  Standing still is hard.  Remember all their faces.  Remember all their voices.  Everything is different the second time around."  Sometimes I'd cry listening to it.   Sometimes I'd even rewind to listen to it again.   Because I think maybe I stood still for a long time.   I think maybe I thought that was easier.   Easier not to think.  Easier not to try.   

I marked them off as I went.   I also wrote the day in the box because by day three I started getting confused if I'd marked my miles for that day or not.   Didn't want any double counting.  Especially didn't want to miss getting credit for any.  

But taking steps feels better.    I don't know that any of it's actually easy.   But I want to feel better.  For January, my new goal was 100 miles for the month.   Walking or running counted.   I got 104 for the month.   I also completed the first 5 weeks of Couch to 5K.   I'm here to tell you it's just as hard the 2nd time around as it was the first time I did it.   But I did it anyway.   And that felt good.