#selfcare2019

The first year after my mother’s death was hard.   I knew it would be hard.  But I had no idea just how hard or what the hard would look like.  

Like, I didn’t realize it was possible to sit at a table and eat dinner with your family and just silently cry while continuing to eat.   More than once.   A lot more than once.

So, yeah.  It was much harder than I ever imagined.   Really hard.   Sort of like how the Grand Canyon is really big.  

According to Google and every self help book I read, the first year would be the hardest.   So I kept my expectations for myself low.   I focused on enduring not conquering.   You know, like, get out of bed in the morning.   Sit on the couch with the kids.    Inhale a sleeve of Oreos.   Take enough sleeping pills so can fall right to sleep without laying in the dark thinking after you turn the lights out.

Some days were good.  Some weren’t.      

The 2^nd year I decided it was time to turn the page.   I was feeling stronger and rarely cried in the shower anymore.    But I also found myself sort of directionless.  There’s a freedom in feeling like you're starting the next chapter of your life but it can also be intimidating to think about all the different ways you can write that next chapter.   Like when you go to a restaurant with a 32 page menu and everything sounds good but you’re scared you’ll choose the wrong thing and hate it.   Except it’s your life and it's overwhelming.   And then you decide to go lay in bed and watch Real Housewives and play Toy Blast on your phone.    

I like to think I’m finally starting to right the ship.   I didn’t start dramatically when the 2nd anniversary rolled around or anything like that.   Just one random day in May when I was tired of being tired and decided to try to do better.  And then I did.   One small thing at a time.    I stopped drinking soda.   I got an overdue hair cut.  I started wearing my Fitbit again.  I tried a new shampoo.   

Stupid stuff other people probably do all the time without thinking about.   Stuff it's requiring me some thought to figure out.  

And when the 2^nd anniversary came, I just promised myself I'd stay the course.   And when New Year’s came, I even decided to call it #selfcare2019.    

And as soon as the thought passed through my brain, I knew my mother would be a fan.     She always looked for things she could do or give me to make my day better, easier, prettier or funnier.    Sometimes it was watching the kids for me so I could go wander around Target and buy things I don't need.  Sometimes it was going to the doctor with me so I didn’t have to sit alone in the waiting room.   Sometimes it was running an errand for me.   She once gave me a big gift card for a maid service.   I’d never paid someone to clean my house before. I guess I thought that was for rich people and that it wasn’t anything I could afford.    I can also be kinda cheap.   But she thought I worked hard and never had time for myself and that if someone else cleaned my house that would save me time and she wanted to be able to give me that.   She also knew it was something I’d never do for myself.    For six months I walked into my clean house once a week and every time I’d sort of exhale and smile and the sun would shine brighter that day. 

I remind myself of that when I try to cut a corner on #selfcare2019.   It would be like cutting a corner on her not just myself.   I should honor her memory not cut her corners.  

Me and the world's loudest toothbrush.   Let's not discuss how many times the dentist has recommended one and I blew off the advice of a trained professional.  

My self-care this month as been starting Couch to 5K again.  I also bought myself a sonic toothbrush.   Both are good for me.   Both have had me on the verge of throwing up.  Who knew brushing your tongue with an electric toothbrush is so gag inducing if you’re not careful.        

At any rate, my dentist would be proud.   So would my mother.