At least our sheets are clean

Yesterday was not a good day. I was still worn out from a long week, still hadn't gotten my hot shower and my husband was at work for the afternoon. My first plan was to have everyone sit on the bed with me while I laid down for a few minutes. Usually our bed is a wonderland of fun including jumping, rolling and peek-a-boo with the sheets. Yesterday was no exception right up until my 18 month old dumped out an entire bag of tortilla chips. An entire 1 pound bag that is. That would be the downside of buying tortilla chips in bulk.

I immediately began screaming for everyone to back away from the chips as if my 18 month old understands "back away." Although he does understand screaming in general apparently. Except he thinks screaming means jump and flop and grind the chips into the sheets. The only thing more ridiculous than my "back away" comment though was that I actually thought I needed to minimize creating more crumbs. He'd dumped the whole bag out. Including the bottom of the bag crumbs. A few more wasn't going to make a difference.

Once I evacuated everyone from the bed, I started trying to figure out what to do. For like a full minute I have to admit I evaluated whether or not I could Shop Vac the crumbs up instead of changing the sheets. That has to be one of the laziest plans I've ever entertained. Or at least the laziest one this week. I only discarded the plan when I realized it would take too long to drag the Shop Vac in and locate an outlet to plug it into.

Once I finally gave in and started pulling the sheets off, I could hear The Wrecking Crew in the living room. It sounded like they were having big fun. Which means something is broken, wet or spilled on the floor. This time it was Kix. Dumped out by the same tortilla chip dumping 18 month old. Although his 3 year old sister really aided and abetted by getting the box out of the cabinet for him. The World's Most Annoying Dog did his best to help me pick them up but some had rolled under the couch just out of his reach. Don't worry. I got them. Nothing a little quality time on my hands and knees couldn't fix.

So then I decided maybe we should leave the house. That's usually what I decide when our house has become such a wreck I can no longer stomach looking at it even one more second. Sometimes leaving the house just means a short drive. Sometimes it means nuggets at Wendy's. Yesterday I must have been feeling ambitious because I decided to go shopping.

Only, whenever we get out of the car and enter a retail establishment it always comes rushing back to me why we never go anywhere. Because no one wants to stay in the cart and everyone wants to examine breakable objects. Back when I had one child I found this relatively manageable. My technique was always handing the kid one object after another to look at. Pretty much anything. If it had moving parts, even better. We'd leave a trail of random objects behind us thrown haphazardly on the wrong shelf.

Now that I'm outnumbered by my kids, it's like juggling fire with one hand while attempting to compare prices and read the ingredients on the back of the box with the other. I end up swearing under my breath a lot and shopping very, very fast. I've developed the ability to make quick decisions about what we do and do not need. I'm not saying I'm always right. I'm just saying I'm not wishy washy in the middle of the store. It's either worth standing in line for or it's not. In the grocery store one of my strategies is to try not to stop the cart unless I have to. Which is why I hate the canned vegetable aisle. Would it kill them to alphabetize? Or maybe throw some signs up? By the time I locate generic black beans one of my offspring has thrown seven cans of pickled artichokes in the basket for me to discover at checkout.

Yesterday's outing was to a craft store to buy pink scrapbook paper to make decorations for the soon to be four year old's Pepto pink celebration. Um. Yeah. Been awhile since I attempted the craft store with them. Now I remember why it's been awhile.

My three year old insisted on pushing the cart by herself. We nearly took out a row of fabric bolts and a middle aged lady shopping for buttons. My 18 month old tried playing hide and seek. When I won and tried to pick him up and put him in the cart, he hosted a sit in next to wood crafts. He also protested leaving the ribbon aisle by chucking several rolls of grosgrain at his sister. It was awesome. At least we got the scrapbook paper. Although it's slightly wrinkled. But that should go without saying when you are stupid enough to shop for scrapbook paper with two small children.

My daughter couldn't figure out why I declared it "quiet time" as soon as we got home. I couldn't figure out why I ever thought the spilled tortilla chips were annoying. All things considered, new sheets on our bed was actually one of the highlights of my day.


Joy, of course said...

Okay. This might be one of the funniest posts. ever. What I would give for your comedic talent with words. I have had many a shopping trip like this.

I linked you on my blog by the way, because this hillariousness needs to be shared with all.

Damselfly said...

With a day like that, you win! Can't top that.

micpro said...

The fun just never stops at your house does it? : )

a happier girl said...

It was an eventful day. I spent all day Sunday recovering.

And thanks, joy. You're sweet. I swear every word is true.

Anonymous said...


I actually laughed so hard my sides now hurt. You are such a nut. The best part, I can actually visualize you and the kids at the craft store.

Still laughing...


Christy said...

Wow! If it makes you feel any better I got clean sheets yesterday too! Except it was because my daughter peed all over our bed. So much fun :)

Sarah said...

We could be soul sisters. I've had many of those "shopping" experiences with my 3 boyz.

Total nightmare.

a happier girl said...

Good to know I'm not alone is shopping hell. Or getting clean sheets for that matter! Although, technically, I think pee on the sheets trumps my tortilla crumbs, Christy.

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