Things he doesn't tell you before he marries you

1. That not everyone thinks toilet paper should be stored on the toilet paper holder. I guess I thought that was sort of a given. I mean, isn't that why they call it a "toilet paper holder?" Because it's supposed to hold toilet paper. Except my husband's firmly committed to holding the roll in his hand while he uses it. No really. I didn't always know this about him. I discovered it by trial and error when rolls I kept putting on the holder kept turning up on the back of the toilet. Being the practical girl that I am, I started putting two rolls out. One on the holder for me. One on the back of the toilet for him. Except then I noticed that certain people who shall remain nameless never noticed their roll on the back of the toilet because my roll was always conveniently right there next to him and then we were right back where we were. Except with two rolls on the back of the toilet instead of one. So then I resigned myself to a lifetime of toilet paper rolls on the back of the toilet. And then I had kids and I resigned myself to being happy when the roll's not unraveled across the floor or dripping wet from where someone knocked it in the toilet. Although, let's be honest, it wouldn't get knocked into the toilet if it were safely secured on a toilet paper holder, now would it?

2. That he'd be okay never leaving the house to go anywhere ever again. Because, man, is that couch comfy and the batteries in the television remote are rechargeable. Score.

3. That he does in fact wear the same shorts all week long. He also conducts smell tests on clothing to determine whether things can or cannot be worn. I know. Your older brother did that when he was twelve. You thought it was gross then. You'll be amazed how much grosser it's gotten. And don't be surprised when you can smell his shoes from the other side of the room. It happens.

4. That you should just buy yourself flowers whenever you want flowers because he'll never think of it as often as you'd like them and, frankly, it's your money too so why wait on him.

5. That he won't always hit the ball out of the park picking your favorite treat. He'll claim he got you a surprise while he was at the grocery store and sometimes your treat will turn out to be his favorite kind of cookies. Except his favorite kind of cookies have nuts in them and everyone that's ever eaten with you knows you hate nuts in anything so really how could it possibly be a treat for you. Sometimes he will then compound his crime by offering you a Snickers. Love him despite that.

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