"You found me out. I'm having an affair with a pine tree." After I asked him why he smelled like pine.
"No, we weren't. You were." After I protested him rolling over to go to sleep by pointing out that we were in the middle of cuddling.
"Be careful. You're going to break the duvet and void the warranty." Said after I yanked more of the duvet over to my side of the bed. It's also worth mentioning that he pronounces it "doo-vette" just to distance himself from being the sort of guy that knows how to pronounce "duvet." Do not fall for his act. Dude knows how to say it correctly. He also knows the difference between the top sheet on his side of the bed and the high thread count top sheet on my side of the bed. Not that we'd be the sort of couple to have two top sheets on our bed to avoid anyone hogging the sheets because that's just weird. But if we were, I'm just saying my husband would be capable of identifying when he's getting the short end of the thread count stick.
Previous things the insane man I married has said to me: