11.01.2013

Muffin tops come in size 6, too

1. I was recently accosted by two children trying to give me a “spa day.” It included rodeo clown make up and a cracked out attempt at a hot pink French manicure. On one hand only. Naturally. My daughter was confused that I wouldn't want to wear the nail polish to work like that the next day.

This spa day involved less relaxation and pampering and more kids climbing on your lap and threatening to jab you in the eye with the mascara wand. I tried explaining to my son that most makeup artists don’t actually sit on your lap while they work.  I also attempted to explain to his sister that the eye shadow shouldn't form a complete circle around your eye.  
Since when do make up artists share lip stick with their clients?

 2. I ate my weight in Kit Kats and Twix last night. I feel confident Kit Kats contain crack and are highly addictive. I need a stint in Kit Kat rehab to break the cycle. Sadly, I don’t know that I’ve hit rock bottom yet. For example, my kitchen still contains 3 giant containers full of candy. I may or may not know exactly which one contains the remaining Kit Kats. I may or may not be thinking about them right this very second.

3. Finished Season 4 of Breaking Bad last night. Holy crud the last 2 or 3 episodes were off the chain. And I would like it noted that I totally knew where that poison had to have come from. 
In addition to being entertaining, I’ve also found Breaking Bad very educational. And I don’t mean I learned how to cook meth. The important lessons I’ve learned have all been about how good it is that I’m not in the meth manufacturing or distribution field. Because that field requires nerves of steel that I don't have. Like lead in your veins and the ability to look people in the eye and lie well even with a gun to your head. It also includes the ability to come up with some super well thought out but extremely risky plan and then commit to the plan and see it through despite all the chances of things going wrong and how completely unpredictable everyone you deal with is.

It probably doesn’t hurt if you barely value your own life so that the possibility of getting killed really won’t bother you. That is the only possible explanation for how people can act chill while death and destruction is driving directly towards them at 80 miles an hour.

This chick right here couldn’t do it. First, because I flush red when I’m upset. So my cards are on the table when I’m hacked off or nervous. Second, because I’d have a total heart attack in the midst of the death and destruction. Up until the heart attack I’d be alternating between screaming and weeping. If there’s blood involved, I’m thinking screaming. If there are threats of imminent harm, I’m thinking weeping. It's for the best that I don’t actually need to find out first hand.

4. I crammed myself into a size 6 pair of jeans recently. Shock and awe that they buttoned and zipped. More shock and awe that you can cram yourself into size 6 pair of jeans and still have a total muffin top situation going on. But muffin top sticking out the top of size 6 jeans is better than muffin top sticking out the top of the size 18 jeans I started with.  So, holla! 
Don't worry.  I didn't buy the high waters.  It finally dawned on me that not all size 6 jeans are "short" and that they don't write that on all the size 6 tags.  See how clueless you end up when you've never bought a size 6 pair of jeans before in your whole entire life.  Duh.
 
5. My husband did not know what a muffin top was when I subjected him to my muffin top analysis. He asked me if it was some sort of blogging term. Um. Yeah. It’s blogger code for do some sit ups already, girl.






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4 comments:

Rachel said...

I've never been able to see the appeal of KitKats myself, though my husband loves them. I laughed at your description of the torturous spa day!

Stefanie O'Connell said...

Muffin tops come in all sizes. I'm a zero andI got the same things going on. I've started wearing my pants at true waist level to avoid it.

Mommy Moxie said...

Yep, I'm right there with you on the size 6 muffin top thing. And all the Halloween candy hidden in the top of the pantry is NOT helping. I wish I could just give all that candy away but then my kids scream and wail like I took away their favorite blankie. Crazy kids ;)

Stopping by from Sharefest!

AiringMyDirtyLaundry said...

Ooo I feel the same way about Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. I can't stop eating them! And yes, I have a muffin top..

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