Doesn't make you petty to want a cookie, hag

Just when I thought my crappy reality television viewing schedule was crowded enough, I discovered several extra crappy ones to brighten up my life. Whee! Let's get our reality television chat on:

America's Next Top Model: My head says McKey deserved to win but my soul thinks it was the most boring foregone conclusion in the history of Top Model. It's odd that my soul actually has thoughts on Top Model but that's neither here nor there. No way was Sam going to win. Her walk was clompy and her photos overall weren't as good as McKey's. The most exciting thing about the whole episode, aside from the funky runway with the giant hill, was Tyra's funkadelic outfits. One had some sort of shoulder pad things sticking straight out to the side. She paired those wings with some wicked tall hair. The whole look was very Melanie Griffith in Working Girl. That's not a compliment in 2008. The other outfit that lingers in my memory was the shirt she decided to wear as a dress. But, wait, maybe you didn't even notice the length on that monstrosity because you were staring in horror at the giant poofy shoulders on it. Can't say that I blame you but let me go ahead and share holy cow was that thing short.

Survivor: Survivor is currently sort of losing me because they're spending too much time letting Sugar think she's cute and clever. Maybe it's just me, but I get more annoyed with Sugar every week. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the kind of person you wish you could be around every day of your life and 10 being people so annoying that listening to them breathe makes you want to kill them, I’m going to put Sugar at a 6.5 right now. I realize Randy’s no piece of cake either. But seriously, Sugar trying to claim she gave someone else his cookie and didn’t know it was his cookie just rides my nerves. She tried to act like she didn't intentionally do it to be mean to Randy. Right. Good one. Then to top it off, she tries to act like he's the most petty person she's ever met for being upset about a cookie. Except not everyone got a giant bowl of peanut butter and chocolate. I guess if I'd just chowed down on that maybe a cookie would seem like small potatoes. But since I didn't and my money bought those cookies, I think it's reasonable to think I should get one. I also think it would be awesome if you spent less time orchestrating not just voting someone out but humiliating someone for your own entertainment. Hag. Laughing in people's faces is not cool. Although Corinne is too arrogant for me so I did enjoy watching her face when she realized what happened at the end. Especially after she winked or whatever it was she did to her jury buddies as if she had the big trick up her sleeve. Ha. Trick's on her.

Amazing Race: Tina is officially too much for me. I want Toni and Dallas to win. Mainly because I love how nice Dallas is to his mom. I hope everyone in America tells her what a good job she did raising him. He's exactly how you hope your son will be as adult. Although he could maybe spend a little less time on his hair. I'd also be okay with Nick and Starr winning. That probably means I've just jinxed them. In which case, please don't let Tina win.

Stylista: Lesson for life: Late night cramming is all well and good but you should in fact get some rest. Sleep is good for your memory. A biology teacher once told me that you should do last minute studying before you go to sleep as opposed to after you wake up because something way over my head happens when you're asleep that stores stuff in your memory. I'm pretty sure "stores stuff" is an exact quote from my biology textbook, too. Anyway, studying all night is stupid. I would have divided the list up just like the other team. I also would have made sure I sold Kate down the river a little more for not bothering to study the list at all. What's that about. That trick did nothing except cry and complain about her waist being too small. The horror.

Blush: I know. What has my life come to that I actually watched a show this stupid. It's a complete ripoff of Project Runway except with makeup artists instead of clothing designers. All I can say is one second I'm channel surfing and the next I'm staring at crazy people. One chick is so heavy handed with the make up that her people keep looking like porn stars. Another chick was flat out told that purple eye shadow didn't go with the retro vibe they were going for but she decided that purple eye shadow was a battle she was willing to fight. And the king of the crazies is some dude that appears to enjoy him some hats. One of his hats looked like giant insect eyeballs on either side of his head. Another looked like chain mail except it was sparkly. And another looked like something Cher would've worn to the Oscars in 1986. There was crap dangling from his hair and everything. Hello.