Life has swallowed me whole. I can't wait to get spit out.

I refuse to bore the universe with the many mundane things that have kept me busy the last three weeks. Things like children climbing on my head, dogs peeing on carpet and work, work and more work. So instead of droning on about that I'm going to bore the universe with a few updates instead:

1. My trip to California was nice. No crying and minimal tearing up. Sadly, some moron planning the conference decided the hotel on the beach was too far from the actual conference. Heaven forbid we have to drive 30 minutes so they moved us around the corner from the conference location instead. In theory, brilliant time saver. In reality, what the hell.

2. The hotel around the corner was actually a spa/health club type hotel. I’m talking fresh apples in the room, artwork of people running and, my personal favorite, a set of dumbbells in every room in case you might want to workout. Right. I’m sure this is all very fabulous if you’re a veteran business traveler that likes to maintain your workout regime on the road. On the other hand if you’re the lazy unmotivated sort that rarely escapes your children, it’s pretty much all lost on you. Although the fresh fruit in my room was tasty. I know this because healthy hotels also don’t have vending machines with chips or candy for your late night snack cravings. The fresh fruit is your consolation prize after you’ve scrounged together a dollar in coins and wasted your time traipsing around the building looking for an ice machine because everyone knows the unhealthy snacks are supposed to be in vending machines next to the ice machine.

3. What that hotel around the corner lacked in unhealthy snacks it more than made up for in thread count sheets. I’m thinking their sheets were 400 easy. And the bed was one big fluffy cloud. I closed the curtains, took two Tylenol PMs and about killed people in the morning with the amount of energy I had pent up inside me. Someone was yawning and complaining about needing coffee one morning and I was all, Huh? There were no dogs laying on my head, no children screaming about needing a drink of water and nobody pulling the blanket off my feet. I’ve never been more awake in my life.

4. Speaking of people pulling the blanket off my feet, my husband pulled the blanket off my feet one too many times and I broke down and bought us a new duvet. King size. We use it on a queen sized bed. Seriously. Best idea I’ve had in months. No more cover hogging wars. Why didn’t I do this years ago? Total upgrade. I even bought one of the really nice ones that’s so light you almost can’t even tell you have it on while it mysteriously manages to still be the warmest blanket ever. We love it long time.

5. I think my Christmas shopping is done. Only had to enter a mall once. Holla.

6. Santa also finished her Christmas shopping. She’d like to thank eBay for the yellow Carebear it helped her procure. Just when you think you’ve got your finger on the pulse of what your kid is going to ask Santa for it’s Letter “Y” Show and Tell day at school and suddenly the key word in your kid’s vocabulary is “yellow.” Sheesh.

7. I haven't wrapped any presents yet. None. Yikes!

8. I still have my Santa training wheels on. While in line to see Santa at the mall I asked the newest Kindergartener what she was going to say when she got to the front of the line. I suggested she tell Santa her name. She turns to me in complete seriousness, “He knows.” Then a week later Santa came to her school and I used the phrase “this Santa” to refer to him. Um. Yeah. Except, there’s only one Santa. My baby girl called me a “silly Momma” and launched into a whole monologue on the subject of the one true Santa.

9. I didn't buy Christmas gifts for anyone at work. I thought maybe I could get away with that until people started giving me gifts. My husband says those people are just suck ups so oh well. Of course he says that while he's eating the Ghirardelli chocolates one of the so called suck ups provided. Apparently, I'm going to be the idiot bringing people Christmas gifts after Christmas.

10. I'm 300 pages into The Story of Edgar Sawtelle and feeling a touch guilty for being skeptical about it because it was so thick. Oprah's book club selection. Thumbs way up so far. I'm actually feeling a sense of urgency to get back to it to find out what happens. I love when that happens. I'm thinking being a dog lover may help the enjoyment factor for me.

11. This is the funniest Craigs list ad ever. My husband says so.