Honey Wheat

We have two dogs. Neither of them are particularly bright. Both of them can be highly annoying. The big pony is named Bruno. He is a 100 pounds on a good day. He’s 117 when someone leaves the laundry room door open and he hits the all you can eat buffet by wrestling the dog food container open.

Bruno is currently 100 pounds and our vet assures us that’s a good weight for him. We’re delighted to hear this because this is the same dog that gained 7 lbs after the vet put him on a diet. Our vet started telling us about pills Bruno could take because maybe he has a slow metabolism. I started telling our vet it’s a laundry room door issue not a metabolism issue.

My household is also full of easy marks that feed our dogs table food. They have become world class beggars and have on more than one occasion stared at someone so desperately that the person became convinced the dogs hadn’t been fed yet that morning and were conned into dishing up a 2nd breakfast. I’m not playing. They look at you like they haven’t eaten in days and have been suffering in a POW camp. We now have to consult everyone in the household before feeding them. It’s nuts.

Look into my eyes.  The kid did not feed us.  We're wasting away.  We'll die if you don't give us part of your sandwich.  Do you want our deathes on your hands?  Give me your sandwich.  Do not listen to your wife when she tells you we are pigs.

Bruno has also learned that there is food on the counter in the kitchen so he does periodic checks. We now store our bread behind our toaster wedged into a corner. It’s stored there because next to the toaster or in front of the toaster leads to no toast in the morning.

Bruno recently decided a stupid 2 pound toaster isn’t going to get in his way anymore. He’s successfully swiped 5 loaves of honey wheat bread from behind it over the last week. That’s right. 5.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking what kind of idiots keep storing their bread on the counter for the greedy dog to swipe? That’s a valid question. I feel you. And the valid answer would be us. That’s who. These idiots right here.

Some of these idiots right here have tried keeping the bread in the fridge after we experienced a particularly tragic Two Loaves in Two Days Incident. Sadly, not everyone has the Two Loaves in Two Days Incident burned into their memory and keep shoving bread behind the toaster. Those people are either tragically optimistic or have the memory of a sieve. Those people should be in charge of traipsing to the grocery store to buy the replacement bread.


Honey Wheat rocking my husband's old school sweatband.  Do not be lulled into a false sense of security by his cute floppy ears. 

By the third loaf, the dog’s name had become “Honey Wheat.” Named after his favorite kind of bread obviously. Honey Wheat’s not brand loyal though. He’ll eat a $3 loaf of Nature’s Own or a $1.50 strore brand.

By the 4th loaf, my husband had tied the shredded bag around Honey Wheat’s neck in a pretty bow as a humorous reminder throughout the evening of his poor decision making. Then our son strolled into the room with part of a watermelon rind. Then we realized there used to be a whole watermelon sitting on the counter next to the toaster. Then the ace detectives that we are pieced together that Honey Wheat must have knocked it off the counter while swiping the bread, the watermelon broke open revealing it was edible and he inhaled that, too.

Right. Honey Wheat ate an entire watermelon. That's nuts.

You’d think a dog eating a watermelon might scare us straight on the bread behind the toaster thing but you’d be wrong. We lost a fifth loaf yesterday. I was awakened in the morning to the sight of my 7 year old standing over me shoving a shredded bread bag at me as he announced, “Honey Wheat struck again.” Perfect. 


Honey Wheat struck again.

 Honey Wheat clearly has a problem. This isn’t recreational bread swiping. We’ve crossed over into crack whore bread swiping territory. And that crack is expensive, Honey Wheat. $3 loaves of Nature’s Own bread don’t grow on trees. We are not made of money. Wear this bread bag on your head as a bread bag babushka while you think about your poor decision making and do not come out of your room until you are ready to apologize to everyone in this family and by everyone I mostly mean me because I’m a lazy wench that doesn’t even like going to the grocery store let alone going every other day. 3 loaves of bread should last longer than 2 days.

No dogs were harmed in the wearing of this bread bag babushka. 

What the hell, Honey Wheat. What the hell.