Wondering

Since starting my health kick last July, I have always associated exercise with weight loss.  I'm not a girl that just thinks exercising is super fun.  I have always seen it as a means to an end.  Burning calories.

In the beginning, when I had lots of weight to lose, my goal was to burn as many calories as possible to help shed the weight.  Somewhere along the way, I've lost my way on that and I seem to associate it with being able to eat more.  Specifically, on days I exercise I consciously think about how many calories I burn and what I can eat with those calories.

Long run days are the best.  I've even caught myself thinking about what I can eat with all those long run calories while doing my long run.  This week was Froyo and movie theater popcorn.   And a soda.  And a cookie later.  And a bowl of Golden Grahams.  And some cheddar blasted Goldfish.  And a wine cooler.  And another wine cooler.  And three helpings of brisket at dinner.  They weren't huge helpings though.  Okay, so they weren't small either.  And some french fries.  And I also would have inhaled part of my son's milkshake if the guy at the burger place hadn't messed up our order but he did so he saved me from half a milkshake and I should be happy but I was mostly just disappointed.

So my eating is seriously off track.   And I'm a girl in need of a track.  And less calories.  And less thinking about calories.

My size 8 pants still fit so that's a win but the scale is up a couple pounds.  I'm still exercising despite the off track eating.  And I'm pretty sure the exercising is the only thing keeping me in the size 8 pants.

I keep trying to start anew and do better.  Some days I'm successful.  Some days I'm the girl going back for thirds. 

I have many theories for my off track eating.   My current theory depends on what day it is.

The first theory is that I've done some general purpose losing focus.  Always a possibility.  Not my favorite theory because it's so vague and hard to fix.

On Saturday, I was blaming my husband for the ridiculous number of treats in our house.  The fact that he doesn't shove them in my mouth did not deter me from blaming him.   From there I moved on to blaming crappy grapes.  In my professional grape tasting opinion, for the last 3 weeks the grapes at my grocery store have tasted pesticide-y no matter how many times I wash them.  Not cool and effectively eliminates grapes from my appetite suppressing arsenal.

Except fruit that tastes like pesticide! Because pesticide is a real taste buzz kill.

I'm also blaming my grocery store for a lack of peaches to choose from this week.  I may or may not currently be addicted to peaches and I may or may not have a 4 peach a day habit.  Doesn't make me a bad person.  But it does mean I need to buy a lot or I hit withdrawal.  I've been keeping almonds in my lunch bag at work but that mostly leads to the bag ending up as an all you can eat buffet on the way home.  A handful of nuts is a healthy snack.  12 handfuls of nuts is a healthy way to suck down a lot of calories and still feel hungry when you're done.  Genius.

Monday I was convinced I wasn't getting enough sleep and that being tired was making me weak minded and pathetic in the face of anything edible.   Naturally, I then woke up that night at 2:45 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep.  Perfect.   The buffet was open for business all day.   

Today's theory is that I've been running longer distances and need to eat more protein.  I read an article about what to eat when you're training for a marathon and it seems to think I need about 68 grams of protein a day.  Um.  Yeah.  Let's just say it's a good day if I get half that.  So I tried out egg whites for breakfast.  Thumbs up.  Although, there is the end of a box of Golden Grahams calling my name from the kitchen.  So who knows. 

I have a million other theories, too.  They like to pass briefly through my brain while I'm brushing my teeth or sitting in traffic.    

I've been wondering if I've grown complacent since losing 60 pounds. Like maybe I'm subconsciously deluded and think I've mastered eating healthy and don't need to work so hard at it.

I've been wondering if I'm in a rut and need to try some new foods.

I've been wondering if there are foods that might help me feel fuller longer.

I've been wondering if I need to exercise more.

I've been wondering if I need to give up carbs.

I've been wondering if I need to give up sugar.

I've been wondering if I'm just being lazy.

I've been wondering if it will take not fitting into the size 8 pants to scare me straight.

I've been wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

I've been wondering if I'm trying to sabotage myself.

I've been wondering if I'm going to gain the 60 pounds back.

I've been wondering where my determination is.

I've been wondering where my pride is.

Now if I could just stop wondering and start doing.