Enough with the book talk already! Seriously, you’d think I was a bookworm or something. You’d think I have boxes and boxes of books at my mother’s house just waiting for me to let them come live with us. Someday I’ll convince my husband his head won’t implode if our bookshelves are full. Someday perhaps when our house is less overrun with thousands and thousands of tiny pieces of plastic made in China and adored by our children. Currently, Torso Doll’s numerous hair things are cluttering up my life. And my 4 year old tricked me into telling her where I hid the Legos last week. That’s what happens when you’re on the computer playing games (or as my husband likes to call it, “Saving the world”). You get distracted and there go all your secrets.
Getting distracted can also lead to casualties. Like the wall in our hallway smeared green, the back of a lovely mustard pillow from our couch, and pretty much anything in my purse that I’ve ever valued. Yesterday, the kids flooded the bathroom too. We were doing bath time after a particularly colorful marker free for all. The three inches of water I permitted them was turning blue from the massive amounts of ink coming off their bodies. They had every one of the three hundred stacking cups we own filled to the brim and displayed on the edge of the tub when I decided to step out of the room. I figured I could lay on the couch a few feet away and listen for any problems. Except, I guess water doesn’t make a splashing sound when it hits the rug. So I didn’t hear the large water reservoir they were amassing on the bathroom floor until things were past the point of no return.
We evacuated the bathroom and I sent the clean up crew in. Except I’m the clean up crew. And while I was working in the bathroom everyone went back to raiding the hidden Lego stronghold. And then they needed milk. Because, honestly, what’s a Lego stronghold without milk. But I guess the 18 month old got bored waiting so he dumped out a box of rice instead. On the carpet. And I think the World’s Most Annoying Dog may have eaten some of it. Okay, a lot of it. Because it took me a second to decide to stop looking for the dustpan and just drag the vacuum over. And then he drank a bunch of water and all I could think was I hope his stomach doesn’t explode because rice really expands and he ate a lot. And even though he’s the World’s Most Annoying Dog, I’m not sure I could live with myself if I kinda sorta contributed to his death or something.
Everyone ran down the hall when I turned the vacuum on though. Kids and dogs included. Except I guess they raided the fridge on their way by. I’m not sure how that happened. I mean I know the vacuum cord had me confused for a second but I’m still not clear how that gave the 4 year old enough time to reveal the wonders of leftover chocolate icing to her 18 month old brother. She’s like a chocolate icing ninja or something. But, regardless, that’s how our 18 month old ended up running down the hall with a spoon coated in chocolate icing. And ultimately that’s how chocolate icing ended up smeared all over my beloved 420 thread count duvet. Not that I knew it at the time. I was still back at the ranch trying to calculate the size of the World’s Most Annoying Dog’s stomach.
Wait. What’s that you asked? Where was the newest 4 year old during the icing on the duvet debacle? Good question. She was busy dragging a step stool over to get a better look at the basket on top of our bedroom television. The basket that contains $50 in coins. The basket she then tumped out trying to peek inside.
And then my head exploded. Right there in the bedroom with my two children watching. So I just laid down right there on the floor and let them climb all over my now headless body and prayed my husband would be home from work soon. I also prayed that the house would clean itself, the laundry would turn into gold and my children would disappear from my sight for three full peaceful minutes.