1.01.2008

New Year. New Me.

New Year. New me. It's not a New Year's resolution. It's a goal. I just picked New Year's for the start date. Last year was a difficult year. I mean, it wasn't all bad. But it wasn't great. I felt like I was sliding downhill and couldn't find my footing to stop the slide. I felt like I lost a little bit of myself. Maybe it didn't even happen last year. Maybe it happened before that and I just hadn't noticed. But I know I like the old me better than the new me.

The old me was really organized and had a memory. She made idiotically detailed lists of things to do and visualed making them happen. And then she did. She fit in more than one pair of jeans and would never have considered hanging onto a pair of maternity shorts because they were the only comfortable pair she owned. She was also way funnier than the new me. And she would never have gone to bed before midnight last night. I miss her.

I need to get a grip on things. Crying in my car while I ate a McDonald's ice cream cone was not good. I kinda sort of don't even respect that girl. Laying in the bathtub wondering if I'm manic depressive was only slightly worse. I mean, I don't think I am. I'm just sort of floundering. And some days I scrape myself off the floor better than others. But identifying mood swings in yourself is disturbing.

I contemplated not even writing about all this. It's always sort of depressing to tell people you feel like you need to make a life change. Especially putting it in writing. Because what if you get derailed and fail? Then it's there for everyone to see.

But I decided I'm okay with that. It's important to be honest. Like people who say they're okay with their weight but refuse to reveal numbers or pants size. If it's who you are and you've accepted it, talking about it shouldn't be a problem. It's okay to have struggles. It's okay to be trying to find your way. I am. This year. New Year. New Me. Here's hoping. No. Better yet. Here's planning.

14 comments:

Leigh said...

Does it make you feel better to know that you are not alone? I can relate!

I am wishing you the best New Year ever!

C said...

"It's okay to have struggles. It's okay to be trying to find your way. I am. This year. New Year. New Me. Here's hoping. No. Better yet. Here's planning."

This his how to start a new year off. Here's to 2008 being everything you wish, hope, want and need it to be.

Chaotic Joy said...

Ah friend. Kudos to you for your honesty.

"It's a blog about getting there"

but normally it's not. Your so funny and relatable as you relay the day-to-day silliness of your life, you always make me smile and I just keep coming back for more.

But this - this revelation about how you want your life to be more, and less, than what it is - that really is part of getting there.

Evaluating, deciding what changes are for the better and what things no longer feel like you. Admitting to sadness, to floundering, to dissatisfaction: that's honest, and it's brave and it's something we all can relate to.

I hope you find yourself and your peace this year. And I am looking forward to reading about your journey, because lately I feel I could use some encouragement "getting there" myself.

sarbear said...

wow. i couldn't have put it better than chaotic joy. so i second that.

and it's really comforting knowing that someone else has the same thoughts that have been swirling in my head. in this internet community, it's easy to put your game face on and not let any realness out. but it's also really easy to read about others and see their lives as an ideal existence with no ugliness, no bad days (or bad weeks). it's nice to see the realness. thanks for putting it out there.

Amy W said...

We will all be by your side as you make this year yours!

carolinebender said...

Hi - thanks for your honesty. I think you are right on schedule. Not to dismiss your real frustration, but I know everyone I knew when I was 32/33 was in a wierd kind of flux... where we felt like we had wandered off a path, but had no map or real destination. Call in your people! And talk it through. You might have failed all the things you attempted before this. But you didn't. 2008 is a good one - there is an extra day to try.

Ginny said...

I've had a crappy year myself! Hope you start feeling better, everyone goes through times like this. You aren't alone :)

Anne said...

I think it would be difficult to find someone that does not feel the way you do. Thank you for your honesty. That girl is still there, she is just hidden under layers of responsibility, stress, and being a mom.

Wishing you a good New Year!

Maggie said...

I am totally with you! I hope that your 2008 is filled with wonderful things!

MommyKnows said...

I hear you! I am planning for 2008 to be a better year too.

MK

Meghan said...

Right there with you! I'm going to use your idea of trying to get happier.

a happier girl said...

leigh - It does! It totally does! Thanks!

c - Thanks. I really appreciate that.

joy - Yes. I feel like identifying a problem is part of getting to a solution. I hope to find my peace this year too. And thanks for the kind words.

sarbear - Yes. I agree. Honesty is really underrated. It's okay to have flaws.

amy - Thanks! It's nice to know I won't be alone!

caroline - I love the idea of an extra day to try! How lovely!

ginny - Thanks. I appreciate that.

anne - I agree. I think she's still there. I just need to find her.

maggie, mommy and meghan - Thanks! Let's all have a better 2008 together!

Kim said...

This was such a great post. I've been right, exactly there. Well, I guess I *am* right, exactly there. Here's to re-creating ourselves to bring back the pieces of the old "her" we miss and just aren't the same without. Good luck to you!

a happier girl said...

Thanks! And good luck to you, too! Really! I hope the best is yet to come.

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